A Letter from the Recently Departed

    Yesterday a friend of mine attended the memorial service of his close friend who died suddenly. His friend was anticipated to make a full recovery from his medical problem, but instead died shortly after being hospitalized. No matter how it occurs, sudden death is a shocking loss whose grieving numbs the soul, usurps reality, and leaves one searching for meaning. Watching what my friend has gone through emotionally since the abrupt departure of his friend left me helpless as to how to console him. I did not know his friend but I do know what is like to cope with the unforeseen death of a close friend. In an attempt to comfort him, I wrote the following letter I felt my friend would have wanted to hear to from his departed friend.

Dear G,
         Thank you for being a close friend to me for all these years. We have seen each other through many ups and downs in the short time we've known each other. This has added incredible depth and meaning to my life. Your friendship has brought something wonderful and unique which contributed greatly to my well being. Knowing you has made me a better man, a better husband, and a better father. I will miss those times and the wonderful conversations we had. It was especially touching to have you be with me at my end. It takes a true friend of strength and integrity to have overcome the squeamishness of seeing me at my most vulnerable and witnessing my final days. I am profoundly grateful you were there for me, my wife, and my family. As you remember me today, I want you to recognize how important your presence was in my life and how much I will also miss you. I did not anticipate I would go so quickly, otherwise there would have been much more we could have said to each other. Please do not have any regrets over any unspoken communications, unresolved issues, or anything else troubling you about our relationship. I left complete. My final request would be for you to honor my death by allowing it to be the impetus to live your life more fully. I have the utmost respect for you and want you to embrace the rest of your life with purposefulness and joy. Though I may not have said this, I want you to convey how much I love you and appreciate all you have done for me. Thank you for loving me and being a support to my family.

Your loving friend

What Matters Most

 "What matters in life, is not great deeds, but great love." -St. Therese Martin
           This quote comes from one of my favorite saints. (It was also the name of my favorite first and second grade nun from Holy Hell grade school.) I even have a statue of St. Therese, known as the 'little flower" in my living room. What sets her apart from other saints, is that she believed it is the small acts of charity that defines one's life. After Lourdes, her basilica in Lisieux is the second most visited shrine visited in France. Like most saints, she had a tragic life. At 14 years of age, she entered the convent and died at age 24 from TB. In her short life, she emphasized kindness, compassion, and doing small charitable works. Considering the Catholic Church goes for grandiose, tortuous displays of martyrdom in order to get canonized, I am surprised her message took hold. There was something about her message that resonated with me, even as a 6 year old. The Buddhists, of course, would call this accumulated good karma. St. Therese embraced doing little good deeds as a way of alleviating suffering. They are a veritable demonstration of spiritual love. Amazing, isn't it? Here we have a young perpetually ill nun who became a saint by advocating doing little more than being kind. By the way, it was St. Therese who inspired Mother Teresa nun's name and to minister to the poor.
           Why am I calling this to your attention? Because in the reexamination of one's life, I have experienced most people judge themselves in terms of big impact, big deeds, big successes, and the accomplishment of their life mission. They overlook the numerous small acts of kindnesses and good deeds they have done which may have had a profound impact on the lives of others. Throughout my life I have remembered the lessons of St. Therese. Though I have changed the course of many people's lives for the better and even saved lives, this is not what I will be remembered for, or at least I hope not. I hope I will be remembered for being a good person, a kind person, a person who brought some grace, joy, and humor into this world.
        As you reassess your life, I hope you take this into consideration.
        Having attended a number of deaths, I have been struck by how one discards the façade to reveal the spirit within before one leaves the planet. One of the deaths that changed my life was caring for my psychologist friend, John, who died at the age of 43 from a brain tumor. I had been friends with him and his wife for years. Taking care of him when he was in and out of a coma at home his last week on earth was life altering. The day before he went into a coma, he was determined to get his driver's license back (it had been taken away from him because of seizures). It's comical for me to think of this accomplished and respected psychologist who was dying, and one of the last acts he felt was important was to pass his driver's test. Of course, this all changed when he realized he was soon to pass. That week as I cared for him, there was a parade of friends who came to bide their final farewell. They came to honor what he had brought to their lives. If someone were to ask me what was one thing I did that was truly selfless, I would say giving John a death with dignity was the most important. I will always remember those 24 hr a day shifts of hydrating him, bathing him, administering his meds, & changing his soiled sheets.
        This single act of compassion will forever be a reminder of the importance of humility and how even the smallest acts of charity make a difference. 

My First Experience with Cultural Inequality

The following is a blog done by my friend, Greg, about his experience in growing up with gender equality. With his permission, I am sharing his touching story with you. -Atira Aura

Like most people, I suppose, issues of culture and gender touch my life from one degree to another every day. For this reason, my story is different, but only in flavor. I was raised in a large Midwest City far from Detroit, Michigan, which has been a major hot spot for racial tension and riots and was during my high school years. Uniquely yet totally void from my familiar rearing was the issue of racial prejudice. My parents were proactive and welcomed ethnic diversity; to say the least they were way ahead of their time. Outside our home cultural diversity was present and sometimes steeped with conflict; these are vivid memories. However, the issue – and my recollection of it – that had the greatest affect on me throughout my early life was a gender issue and although it only affected me indirectly, it affected me profoundly; indeed it transformed me. This issue involved my mother and sisters.

My mother worked professionally (politics), as did my two sisters, both of whom were eleven and fifteen years my senior. They were indeed high-achieving professional women. In those days and in that part of the world (Midwest America) – the professional business climates (and many other societal sectors) were very much occupied and, consequently, controlled by men. Many businessmen (I use the term “businessmen” rather than “businesspersons” for illustration, please kindly pardon me here) often considered their female contemporaries as outsiders, and occasionally as invaders, as it were. From that myopic and prejudicial perspective, my mother and sisters were counted among these estranged groups. For this reason, and perhaps some I wasn’t even aware of, I heard of the many struggles that my mother and sisters endured just to “compete,” as they would put it, in a “man’s world.” During that 2 year period of time one would hear of instances when a female business executive, or manager, who posed an idea or solution to a complex business problem, would be considered “opinionated” - or much worse. Yet a male of the same rank and offering the same idea or solution would be considered for a promotion. The many struggles that these women of my life experienced moved me, and from this experience, I remain so moved to this day.

Moved by the experiences and testimonies that my mother and sisters expressed and endured, I passed through a few different phases; I was first emotionless, then poignant, and then outraged. At first, and for a very short time, I was rather indifferent. I thought these were just stories that “couldn’t not possibly be true;” how could they be? From there I moved to sympathetic; I felt remorseful for them. Then I was empathic; I deeply cared and wanted to help. I could not understand why those injustices continued unabated, injustices such as unequal pay, biased promotions, categorizing, and often belligerence. Fortunately, my father, himself an executive, was also empathic and gave respect, support, guidance, and advice when and where appropriate. Looking back I now realize now that mostly he listened. He and mother had raised us with a different World View, if you will – a radically different World View, especially for that period of time. One of their rearing methods employed delegating household chores to us with an end in mind. This end, and central difference, was that there was an obligation in my home for a blend of household tasks, duties and routines for each of us kids. For example, I often washed dishes, prepared the table for meals, washed the laundry, helped my father cook meals, and accompanied my father regularly to the grocery market. Similarly, my sisters would care for the lawn, wash the cars, and sometimes help change the motor oil. Today I appreciate my father’s example and the rearing my parents gave us in this area.

Someone once said that we basically have two choices in life; to accept things the way they are, or to accept the responsibility to change them. My choice was to accept the responsibility and create change – that is, as much as I could influence change in this area. And my response to these challenges was both immediate and lasting. In my youth, I began a personal campaign, as it were, and spoke to anyone who would listen about the injustices, prejudices, and unlawful acts that female businesspersons underwent. I made sure that that my managerial work was inclusive of diversity fully respecting individual Intersectionality. And I made a point; indeed it was my passion, to live these values in every area of my life.

Soon, it seemed, I became a father of three beautiful daughters, and to my surprise the prejudice and injustice that was alive in my youth was still alive in theirs. Recalling my earlier choice and requisite responsibility, I worked throughout my daughters’ rearing years to encourage them in all aspects of their lives, both personal and professional; I acknowledged and affirmed them. I worked to create for them a vision of equality in all areas of their lives. Quickly it seemed, I saw my daughters grow in confidence as they grew in years, outwardly untouched by this pervasive and engulfing prejudice. Today all three of my daughters are successful businesspersons determined in their diverse, yet unique missions, and unaffected by the struggles that I saw my mother and sisters endure.

Naturally, I am grateful for this experience and the valuable lesson I learned, certainly it was a Critical Moment in my life. And, oh, by the way, I continue in my campaign for equal rights and Social Justice even today; after all, I have granddaughters.

When Death Comes Knocking

When Death comes knocking
Time stands still.
There is no forward or backward
Just deafening silence.

Shock, disbelief, and sorrow
Paint the landscape black.
Paralytic surrealism
Escorts the grieving.

Hearts breaking, aching
Seeking rational sense
Of something unimaginable
Eviscerating the soul.

Comfort remains elusive
Solace cannot be found
Tears are the companions
For the weeping bereft.

No where to hide
No where to run
No where to go
No where to be.

Life continues unaffected
By Death's cruel blow
Mourners watch helplessly
While life stands still.