The Bardo of Becoming

Birth is a messy process
Squeezed down the canal
One fears the process
Of becoming separate.

The bardo of becoming
Is primal suffering
Awakening a metamorphosis
From a tarnished state.

Rebirth awakens the same memory
Going down the canal
Does not get easier
Labor is exactly the same.

Between two worlds
The womb and the world
Delivery beckons the soul
To envelope its karma.

New Moon in Leo

Saturn has gone direct, Jupiter has moved into Leo, and Uranus is spinning backwards. With the New Moon in Leo on 7/26/14, we can also say 'hi' to Mars in Scorpio. Whew, what a month this has been. Leo is represented by the Sun. With the New Moon in Leo, we have the beginnings of creative fire. This is not an immolating fire, but a warming one. We can risk making mistakes in the process of exploring, expressing, and communicating who we are. Art is not about perfection but risk. What comes with risk? The fear of not getting approval and the loss of control becomes irrelevant.

On this the lunation of the new moon
The darkness before the waxing
Makes one ponder beginnings
No matter if we are ready or not.

Does not every start begin
With both trepidation and excitement?
Like caution thrown to the wind
Ignorant of all consequence.

Dancing Naked in the Living Room

Yes, I do dance naked in my living room. The idea came from an enticing truth or dare game I was playing online with a man who lived alone in the outback of Alaska. After a series of truths or dares, he dared me to dance naked fifteen minutes in my living room with him while he was dancing naked in his cabin in the middle of nowhere, Alaska at night. Come on, it was the middle of winter when I did this-both of us had cabin fever. Honestly, it did not get any kinkier than this. Amazingly, I found it liberating, but the curtains were drawn and no one else knew I was doing this. And, to tell you the truth, this man had no idea if I was naked or not-but I was. That night when I was whipped up in a dancing frenzy, laughing hysterically at the thought I had been coerced by a dare to do this, the dregs of time stopped.

Dancing naked was a perfect anecdote for my obsessive thinking. It's hard to obsess when one is dancing to great music, sending emails to someone in Alaska, and laughing. What a simple idea to rid oneself of the scourge of relentless thought. On that wonderfully whimsical night this man and I shared dancing, secrets, and a sense of freedom we hadn't experienced in years. I'll never forget how much fun and cathartic it was. No doubt it had to have been one of the most ridiculous things I have ever done. The communication with him has ceased long ago but I will remember how his absurd dare made a lasting impression.

Recently, I received a text from an old flame who teasingly wanted to see a photo of me in my newly transformed state. Since our breakup I had lost weight, toned up, and changed my hair color (which I told him has made me look ten years younger). Kiddingly, he responded I was welcome to send him a photo of the new me. However a photo of me "dancing nude is (also) perfectly acceptable." I had told him previously of my penchant for dancing naked but never told him the origin of the story. He is a Waspish kind of academic guy who I didn't think could ever appreciate my feral ways. In my own version of schadenfreunde for breaking up with me I refused to send him a photo but I texted him that he reminded me how I hadn't danced naked in a long time. Tonight, I told him, I would be dancing naked in honor of him to Marshall Krenshaw's, "Someday, Someway", a rousing upbeat dance song of lost love. It felt great.

So here's to dancing naked in the living room to great music.

The Planets are Moving

News flash: There are a number of planets on the move which are most certainly causing waves of change. Last week Jupiter, the planet of good fortune moved into Leo for thirteen months. Leo's fiery sun energy is bound to energize those of this natal persuasion while boosting the Leo in the rest of our charts. Time to reexamine where we're headed, let die what needs to be dead, and resurrect what will transform us.

This week the hard task master planet Saturn, which is currently in Scorpio, stationed direct after being retrograde for six months. The good news is the Saturn is moving forward. The bad news Saturn is still in stinging Scorpio mode. Ouch! For anyone with a natal sign and/or is experiencing their first our second Saturn in Scorpio, we commiserate. Mystery is baffling enough at one end of the spectrum let alone at both ends. Only fourteen more months to go before Sagittarius takes over.

Uranus, the planet of revolution is turning retrograde this week which will be amplifying its power. If the pathos of Leo into Saturn drive us to distraction with deep thinking, then the Uranus retrograde will. Get set for a developmental retread of age two when the language of no and oppositional defiance rears its head. The plus side will produce inventiveness and moments of Eureka. 

Finally, Mars the planet of passion, is heading into Scorpio on the New Moon in Leo. Wow, the provocative nature of these two will cause fireworks in even the most prudish. One will soon be overcoming their fear of dark and scary places with this transit. Give up, resistance is futile.

Why I Love Posting Online

     Why do I love posting online? There is something I find delightfully entertaining about interacting with the diversity of men who respond to me. The stories, poems, haikus, pictures, and persuasions I read are fuel for my mind but also my soul. Probably 95% of the time, I laugh, am inspired, or just think differently as a result. Every time I post, I try to do something distinctive. With my last post, I took bits and pieces from my natal chart seeking a strictly platonic friend. This time I did not put my age because I wanted to see how younger men would react to my ad. Here are some of the responses I got:

'I just wanted to commend you on placing such an awesome ad. It's reassuring to see intelligent people on here. I will say, this man you find will most certainly need an extensive grasp of grammar to keep up with you. I hope you find what you seek, and that this man knows how to be a gentleman, before a scholar. Be well.'

'I hope you don't take it as odd as it sounds even to me but; I think I'm in love with your brain.. that ad was absolutely intellectually eloquent. I am a 24 year old employed & fulltime college student who relishes the chance to toss stimulating banter back and forth with someone. It seems you fit the bill and I'd like the chance to converse more if your inclined to do the same.'

'Very nice post. Great way to weed out 98% of the people that will not understand what you wrote. Best of luck on the search.'

' I can only hope you find a man to compliment your personality, which I assume is undoubtedly refreshing compare to what the rest of the world is accustomed to.'

'Hi there, you are an excellent writer, and very intelligent.'

'Very nicely written personal description...hard to come by these days...'

'Lmao!!! A very eloquent and concise ad. Yours stands out above others to say the least. Far to often, in my cl searches, I've encountered the idiot that can hardly form a complete thought, let alone put it in writing. Refreshing :) Take care.'Well you do have a way with words now.

'Are you a writer?  If not so then you ought to think about it because your craigslist ad was my most enjoyable read for the night for sure.'

'Your ad just blew my mind aha'

'I like your ad - rich vocabulary.  But, I would like to know your age. Thank you so much!'

One man simply replied by sending a  picture of a beautiful flower.

       In the short time I have been posting, I have corresponded with scientists, a brewer, a physician, attorneys, a minister, a stock broker, a millionaire, an environmentalist, many poets, and scores of other men young and older who have been engagingly unique. Many have shared stories with me that are funny, sad, tender, courageous, and sometimes horrific. What has surprised me the most is how respectful and kind the vast majority of the men I've interacted are, especially since the motivation is primarily sexual. Maybe there is hope for us women of the world. 

 



 



 

 

 

 

 

Missive to a Fearful Man

Mon Chere,

        A good intuitive knows the most powerful communications are not about what has been said but what has not been said. Silence. The quiet stillness speaks volumes about affect and intent. For me, it is when I absorb the context words cannot convey. Your hesitation and apprehension tells me a story. The story is about a man conflicted between hope and fear. Great literature and poetry are filled with stories of people who arrive at this crossroad asking them to make a choice between their heart and their head. In Tarot, this crossroad is personified by a card called the hanged man.  The hanged man depicts a man with halo aura hung upside down by one leg with hands behind his back.  It is interpreted as one of pure belief who has arrived at the crossroads he created. The cross symbolizes his belief system, the hands behind his back is his vulnerability, and being hung by the leg with the other leg perpendicular represents he will not die but prostrate himself for outworn concepts or unrequited idealism. Literally he is hung up. Being suspended by his own beliefs, he is free at any time to use his hands to get down from the cross. Will he or won't he?
       When I started this quest in January I was at such a crossroad. After years of solidified beliefs about the way I thought my life was going to be, I was hung upside down to examine if this was the life I deserved. I was thrown this curve ball so I could not go back to my emotional solitary confinement. I do not like being hung upside down by my own hand but it has gotten my attention. In Buddhism, this is called waking up. Whether I wanted to or not, I have awoken to the very obstacles which have prevented me from having a love which nourishes the soul. Confronting these hurdles required me to put down the microscope and pick up a mirror. What I saw made me sad and a bit frightened. As a result, the armor around my heart began to shatter, leaving me vulnerable to the very beliefs and emotions which created the armor in the first place. Getting off the cross does not protect me from further transgressions inflicted by others, however, it does open a door to allow some good to come in. But it is risky to be an empress with no clothes. The Joan of Arc inside of me is always wanting to defend such entrenched beliefs which may assault my heart. It is easier to wage battle or run for cover than to let go and face surrender. Laying down the sword, I relinquish the known for the unknown. Courage is confronting the enemy I harbor within which I project as reality. There is no adversary out there but me.

          Being defenseless is not the same as being powerless when it comes to the heart. Quite the contrary, the opening of the heart empowers us to actualize the ideals for which we aspire. When we choose faith instead of fear, hope instead of despair, and love instead of cynicism we develop the power to combat the relentless internal battle preventing us from experiencing the intimacy we are all seeking. Isn't this what being in love embraces?

Votre bien-aimé
        

The Seasoned Woman's Heart

Could one be so fortunate

To admire a flower at its zenith

Bursting with omniscient perfection

Of alluring shape and glistening hue.

The striking sun highlights

Pedals soft with rain

Unblemished by storms

Undisturbed by wind.

Proud ornamental blossom

Gently garnished with leaves

Strengthened by a hearty stalk

Nourished by rich soil.

Rich color envelops an aura

Of nature's beauteous grace

For one dazzling moment

Radiating splendor and majesty.

The Majesty of Inspiration

Words written to me by admirers:

"I relish the quiet in the day, and the tenderness of whispered words with another in the closing moments of our nights. Men like me have always been humbled by a woman’s feminine grace. A grace so pleasing as to hold a man's mind in slumbering wonderment that, on such occasions as rare and poignant memories allow, can become reawakened in even the simplest, most unassuming surroundings. As when she maybe artistically engaged at her make-up mirror, or standing at the kitchen sink garbed only in a tee shirt; covering little and enhancing much. Latent recollections coaxing splendid memories to instantly transport the mind back to a place where resides a trove of life's most intimate accounts. Tender imagining’s stirred by the grace of one of God’s most extraordinary, and exemplary creatures whose gentleness can still the winds and bring a man to set his compass to sail into uncharted regions; those provinces that, when sailed towards by a small group of two, make whole those notions that a body and soul may long for. Splendid images of life's contentment's that are theirs to have and to share in loving, reassuring way’s and, should love give them another try, experience together the good in life while embarking upon the summer years of their long journey."

"With the true intention of friendship in love the universe will vibrate with light."

"Thoughts ever so poignant; penned with the goodness of feminine grace and authored

by a beautiful soul resolved to compel the written word to flow so gently as to sway

the air and ascend into heavenly sounds of tender forbearance. Words so tender,

and so soothing, as to still the tables of time and tide that they may collaborate in an

ease of meanings while whispering to pilgrims, such as me, the presents, and the allure,

of the good in this world."

Femme Cherche Un Peu de Joie de Vivre

Tout récemment, j'ai placé une annonce dans Craigslist en français, à la recherche d'un nouveau roman. Je m'ennuyais avec les hommes qui avaient répondu à mes annonces en anglais. Une partie de moi se demande combien d'hommes seraient soit connaître le français ou comprendre comment utiliser google translate. Étonnamment, j'ai eu une vingtaine de réponses. Ce soit me dit qu'il ya beaucoup d'hommes inquiets qui veulent du sexe ou il ya de l'espoir que les Américains ne sont pas aussi auto absorbé sur une langue autre que l'anglais. Dans tous les cas, les réponses que j'ai reçues étaient très touchante. Beaucoup ont écrit de nouveau en français avec des promesses de romance. Cette m'a donné l'espoir qu'il peut y avoir des hommes là-bas digne de mon temps et de l'énergie. Les hommes américains ont tendance à être unsophicated dans la langue de l'amour. Ils sont tellement concentrés sur le sexe, ils oublient combien il est important de danser la danse de l'amour.

Une des meilleures réponses que j'ai reçues, c'est un jeune homme qui a lu mon annonce alors à s'amuser avec ses amis un samedi soir. Il a répondu parce qu'il a passé du temps dans le sud de la France surf. Sur un coup de tête, il a décidé de m'écrire parce qu'il était ravi de voir le français dans une Craigslist. Cette ramené des souvenirs merveilleux de son voyage était français et combien il aimait la culture. Il était tellement amoureux de moi qu'il voulait me rencontrer avec le champagne pour une romance. Cet homme est beaucoup plus jeune, en fait, trop jeune pour moi, mais j'ai été sincèrement touché par sa hardiesse. Bien sûr, ce que femme âgée ne voudrait pas être courtisée par un jeune homme avec un corps muscle? Ses courriels étaient tout à fait séduisante et drôle. Même si je lui ai dit que j'étais beaucoup plus âgé, il a continué à vouloir me rencontrer. Qu'il est doux le openess de la jeunesse! Enfin j'ai accepté de le rencontrer cette semaine pour le déjeuner. Peut-être que je vais même avoir un peu de champagne avec lui.

Voici la publicité j'ai placé sur Craigslist:

Énergique, passionné chevronné déesse aux cheveux blonds rouge est à la recherche de son homme idéal. Cet homme doit être extrêmement intelligent, conscient émotionnellement, confiant et avoir un penchant pour une femme intelligente et de bon sens. Je veux un homme qui a l'intégrité, les valeurs de fidélité, est honnête, plein d'esprit et aime créer la romance, l'intimité et la passion sexuelle. En retour, vous verrez que je suis une femme qui est amusant, créatif, plein d'humour et dédiée à vous seul. Je voudrais un homme qui a le courage d'agir au lieu de communiquer par e-mails et des textes. Ne pas me contacter si vous êtes marié, vous voulez un harem, êtes dans une autre relation, ou cherchez une relation superficielle. Pour votre information, je suis du Midwest et j'aime le son de la langue française. Il élimine aussi ceux qui sont trop ignorants ou paresseux pour traduire le sens. Bonne chance.

Étant d'origine française m'a fait apprécier le langage de l'amour. Maintenant, je sais combien il est la beauté de la langue française.

An Act of Contrition

Recently I became aware that a man I was seeing had a serious girlfriend which he had neglected to mention. Thankfully, I had only seen this man a couple of times before I sensed there was another woman involved in the picture. Rarely are my psychic proclivities wrong. Though it was not a surprise, it was a huge disappointment that this seemingly honest and expressive man I held in high regard could be so duplicitous. But it was not just his sin of omission which was egregious, it was the extent of his deviousness in his lying that shook me. Had this man been straight with me, I would have been upset instead of devastated.

His cover story was more than just a white lie, it was what I refer to as electronic psychopathology-a sophisticated manipulation using emailing and/or texting to elicit a sympathetic response by invoking pernicious deceit. The elaborate lie this man concocted to break his date with me involved him having to leave town to rescue his son who had a car accident. Using his son, a car accident, and portraying himself as a responsible father struck me as predatory. The insidiousness of this predation was evoking the natural tendency to suspend my disappointment in favor of overriding concern for him and his son's welfare. Surreptitiously, when I stumbled upon this lie, he admitted he had been seeing his girlfriend for the past two years. Previously he denied any other current relationships with other women.

The problem with lying to a high intuitive is, even when the lie sounds incredibly believable, we find out the truth anyway. All intuitives have a GPS for bullshit. When confronted with this lie, my suitor responded with, "Wow, I am sorry, but I was tired", and "had you asked me I would have told you the truth". Rationalizing deception with more lies and excuses just makes matters worse.

This man is an ex-Catholic and was an altar boy. All Catholics have been trained in the sacrament of Confession by saying an act of contrition. An act of contrition is a pronouncement of being heartily sorry for committing a grievous act against another. It is the beginning step of showing remorse, knowing how your injurious conduct harmed another, being willing to make amends, and resolving to correct the errors that led to the offense. In an attempt to reach this man's conscience, I wrote him this email:

"As a lapsed Catholic I think you can still appreciate an act of contrition. The act of contrition I am speaking of is not loaded with Catholic dogma, the insincere I'm sorry speeches, or the I'll be smarter next time lesson. What I am speaking of is for you to understand how your actions have affected not only me, but your girlfriend (whom I suspect is unaware of your philandering), and most importantly yourself. It is an examination of how your behavior is injurious, that is, harmful and wounding to all parties concerned, including yourself. But admitting the problem and just saying your sorry is not enough: one has to make amends. The process of making amends is to acknowledge the source of the harm done and firmly intend to not engage in it again. I can't help but feel your girlfriend would be deeply distressed if she knew what you were doing. One of the amends would be to work on your relationship with her or leave it if it is not working. In any case, I would encourage to acknowledge this and your desire to see other women. Wanting to see other women is not bad in and of itself-it is the deception and deviousness in which you employed that borders on psychopathic and is frankly quite scary. I hope I am wrong about you, but I don't think you're that far gone yet. It is your deviousness that has hurt me the most. When your said, 'I'm sorry, I was tired' or 'you should have asked me about other partners', you are rationalizing and absolving yourself of any responsibility of how damaging your conduct has been. It as if you had perfect justification for creating an elaborate lie. These lies just don't hurt the women around you but ultimately fracture you both psychologically and spiritually."

I'll never know if this made any impact on this man but it did on me.

Behold, the Full Moon in Capricorn Approaches

This Saturday at 4:24am PDT we will have a full moon in Capricorn. This moon is referred to as a buck moon because it is when deer begin to regrow their antlers. Feeling worn out from the past few months of eclipses, galvanizing non-stop grand crosses, planetary retrogrades, and grand squares? Yes, it's been an exasperating past couple of months. Now it's time to regrow the antlers you've lost and never thought your would regrow. This Capricorn moon is the beginning, showing one where to say yes by getting one's priorities straight. Time to move our chi.  Those nagging problems we think others created will dissipate when we embrace our responsibility for them without blame, shame, burden, guilt, or punishment.

Coinciding with the full moon's energy will be several planetary shifts. Jupiter, the planet of luck and fortune, is moving in Leo July 16th. For my fellow baby boomers who were born with our natal Pluto in Leo, this means Leo's powerful transit will awaken us to the obstacles which are preventing us from actualizing our deepest desires. Personally, I tired of all of this deep introspection, but the celestial heavens do not seem to care about my opinion. For those lucky to be born under the sign of Leo, this will be a golden thirteen months ahead-start making your wish list. In addition to Jupiter making a shift, Saturn will be turning direct July 20th. In the weeks ahead we will begin to glimpse what we worked through while Saturn has been retrograde the past six months. Then on July 21st, Uranus slips into retrograde not so politely requesting us to deconstruct the defenses which impede our progress.

The good news is that, in general, we all should be feeling better in the next few months. The bad news is it's hard to forget the last six months.

Pay No Attention to the Woman Behind the Curtain

I am a lost soul
Drifting aimlessly in a sea of confusion.

I am an inconsolable woman
Struggling to rise above the sum of her past.

I am an obsessed mind
Possessed by unrelenting cogitation.

I am the smiling face
Whose mask betrays her sorrow.

I am the expert strategist
With no contingency plan.

I am the intuitive speaker
Profoundly uttering nothing.

I am occupying space
Unseen by those around me.

I am certainly sure
Prayers implored will be unanswered.

I am a wandering spirit
Seeking a spiritual home.

I am an incomplete painting
In search of an inspired artist.

I am dancing in the dark
Looking for court and spark.

I am a sensuous lover
Forsaken by unbridled doubt.

I am a risk taker
Losing at love's roulette.

I am the introverted writer
Behind the electronic curtain.

A Pause in Astrological Perdition

Anyone who has endured the last six months will most certainly attest to what a rotten year it's been for the most part. We've all been under the spell of a number of grand cardinal crosses, grand cardinal squares, planetary retrogrades, and eclipses. But our luck is starting to change.

Beginning mid-July, the grand cardinal cross affecting especially Libra, Cancer, Aries, and Capricorn, will gradually dissipate, leaving us to clean up the mess left in its murky wake. Mercury, the planet of travel and communication, came out of retrograde July 1st, allowing us to get and send clearer messages. But we have some other planetary perks: Jupiter, the planet of good fortune is moving into Leo for a year. All in all, we may have a pleasant summer.

Coming on the heels of better astrological energy, is a beautiful full moon in Capricorn on July 12th. For earth signs (Virgo, Capricorn, and Taurus) this should be quite a romantic affair. More on that later this week.

I feel lighter already!

R.I.P. Universal Birth Control Coverage

"Washington (CNN) -- Some corporations have religious rights, a deeply divided Supreme Court decided Monday in ruling that certain for-profit companies cannot be required to pay for specific types of contraceptives for their employees."

Don't be fooled by this linguistic rhetoric, it means female employees who work for companies who deem themselves religious, cannot be required to cover birth control for them. Men can get vasectomies and Viagra-a sweet kiss on the cheek from the Supreme Court. Isn't this an interesting twist of fate by the five male justices who opined this ruling? Thank you to Ruth Bader Ginsberg for writing the dissenting opinion outlining the misogyny of our male justices. Today I dedicate this blog to her and all the women of the world still struggling for equality.