A Letter to an Adult Child Dealing with His Mother's Dementia

The following is a letter I wrote to a friend of my cousin's who has been struggling with his mother's rapid decline from a suspected vascular dementia. It touched me deeply to see this man tortured by watching a horrific cognitive decline which he was helpless to control. This was my response to him.

Dear K,

          I asked my cousin to send me your address because I wanted to lend you some support as you deal with your mother's health problems. It would be tempting to offer you my social work advice but I feel it is more important to offer you kind words and encouragement as you grapple with the uncertainty of your mother's decline.

         As a adult child who lived through my parent's deaths, I have the greatest empathy for what you must be going through. Watching your parent age and live through the declining years conjures up deep internal struggles involving saying good bye to the way it was. When my mother had her massive stroke, it felt like my whole world crumbled leaving me with an excruciating sense of helplessness and emotional pain. There is no way to prepare for or grapple with the emotional wake of parental illness. There were times I would burst into tears unexpectedly after my mother had her massive stroke-and I'm not a crying kind of woman. I wanted so desperately to protect her from the suffering she was experiencing. To watch as a bystander to her struggles was unbearable at times, especially knowing I was powerless to stop it. Anxiety, sadness, and feeling overwhelmed unfortunately comes with this territory-it is also known as grieving. Saying good bye to the mother who has always been there for you is agonizing.  I've heard it said that grieving shared is grieving halved. I do know a loving shoulder to cry on will help vent the build up of emotion. May you be comforted and find peace during this ordeal.

         No matter what happens to your mother, I know you will do your best to see she has the highest quality of care. She is blessed by having you as such a staunch advocate and loving son. Because she is cognizant of her rapid decline, she is a both a prisoner and victim of the cruelty of her disease. Please know that whether she can recognize this or not, you are providing her with alternatives to keep her safe and functioning. Unfortunately, she is like a drowning woman who doesn't realize what the life preserver thrown to her does. 

        But my concern remains with you because you are a witness to this and are the main decision maker. Sometimes this means you are in a no-win situation. I was with my mother when she had her final cardiac arrest and had to tell the arrest team to stop. To this day, many of my family members have not forgiven me for that decision. But she had told me (and only me) a few weeks before her death she did not want ever to be resuscitated. I have no regrets about this. Please do not regret or ruminate about the decisions you make to provide her with appropriate care. You truly are doing the best you can.

       Familial politics tend to complicate this landscape further. For example, when I was feeling sad about my mom, my sisters would be angry and upset. This tends to make one feel stranded and alone. So you are not only dealing with a lovely mother who is disabled but a family trying to come to grips their issues in their own way. There is no template for the right way to deal with this.

       You are not alone. Your support system will be invaluable as you put one foot in front of another. Those of us who have been through this will know what you are dealing with and will offer our strength to you as cope with each step along the way. Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself a break, allow yourself to grieve these changes, and ask for help when you need it. You can always count on me. 

The Battle of Armageddon (a guest blog by Robyn)

After talking to a gifted blogging friend, I decided to give this blogging thing a try. Perhaps this is a way for me to become part of the Greater Good, by writing my thoughts and perceptions and be immortalized in "The Net Land" of the World Wide Web.

As a result of this nudge from my friend and my Higher Self, I was finally able to choose a topic that was meaningful for me. As a devoted and passionate student of metaphysical teachings, spirituality and world religions/philosophies, I am always looking for the Golden Thread that is true for all humanity throughout the ages. This may be an impossible feat and a journey that continues with no end, I proceed relentlessly in this pursuit regardless. As a result, I am now choosing to share some ideas and insights that have been developed from my personal journey. 

One of the themes focused on is the constant unrest in the Middle East and other parts of the world.  Such mindless killing and dissension. Why is this happening? Why does this primitive mind set continue to plague mankind? There appears to be a delicate balance as our beautiful magnificent planet hangs so mysteriously in the Universe. Unfortunately, as a result of the treacherous ongoing battles we humans create for ourselves, we may be on the edge of distinction as a result of our own ignorance and mis-understanding. Some of my questions are, "Why are we like this?", "What is the purpose?", and “What are we supposed to learn?”

Why all the pain, suffering and injustice? Why? Why? Why?

At one point in my consideration of these matters, my mind went to explore the Biblical idea of the Battle of Armageddon. What was found from these considerations is that maybe the battle is not about what happens in the outer world, but what is actually going on inside of us. Perhaps the real battle is the healing of our own hearts and minds from judgement, jealousy, anger, pride, exclusivity, negativity, believing our way is the only way, etc. 

Perhaps when we make Peace in our own hearts and minds, we are doing our part to make Peace on Earth. The idea of "Being in Love" in the world as a loving being, not necessarily in a romantic sense, but by creating a strong loving presence, as we navigate our way throughout the life, will create a domino effect, a paradigm shift helping our species heal itself. My belief is that this happens when we carry an awareness and consciousness of Peace throughout the market place. Not just with our family and friends, but actually carrying ourselves as a beacon of light and love in the world, by sharing that energy and consciousness as we go about our lives in unconditional love. In my belief we are a reflection of each other. We are one race, one species.

Furthermore, this does not mean we accept poor and dangerous behavior, or by intentionally putting ourselves in harm’s way, but by learning to love unconditionally, in spite of the negative appearances or circumstances. We learn to avoid aggression by turning the other cheek, which actually means to look at things from another angle and to avoid conflict if at all possible. Of course when necessary we defend ourselves, or help out if possible at the level we are of which we are capable. However, sometimes it is also important to know how to step aside and move on, so as not to fuel the flame of dissent.    

By remembering simple principles like the Golden Rule, "Love your neighbor as yourself". To "Love only the neighbor that agrees with me or looks like me", but humankind in all its diversity. We then learn to celebrate and honor differences in others, as well as what is unique inside of ourselves. Maybe if we all understood this concept and were able to actually do this internal work, the world would heal itself through us naturally. Maybe we can collectively create Heaven on Earth by doing our work from the inside out, thus allowing ourselves to enjoy our similarities while celebrating our diversity and keeping things interesting.