Like his hero Sauron, Trump is the all-seeing eye. He and Sauron have incessantly promoted their gigantic eye/I as an intimidating force majeure. Obsessed with their pseudo-omniscience, both are consumed by their eye's voracious grasping for the ring of power. Sauron uses his eye as a paranoid beacon to continuously scan for the one ring; Trump uses his I, I, I, I to seize the ring, sell NFTs, and avoid prison. Sauron lives in Modor in a bleak compound full of bizarre devotees. Trump lives in Mar a Lago with only his I-popping ego and an entourage of catatonic MAGA groupies. There is not enough power, money, or mirrors to fill their psychologically and morally bankrupt eye/I. Besides their depressing use of morbid decorating colors (think Melania's nightmare Christmas motif), they never fail to bring dark foreboding clouds wherever they go.
Enter their minions: the Nazgul Ringwraiths (Gates, MTG, Hawley, Lee), headed by the Witch King of Angmar (Mike Johnson). Good at leading a bunch of power-hungry sycophants, the Witch King cannot be killed by any man, making him perfect for the job. When not sabotaging women's access to healthcare, the Nazgul can be seen actively whitewashing history, fearmongering about being replaced by minorities, and salivating over automatic weapons.
Aiding them in their search for the ring of power is the corrupt white wizard Saruman (JD Vance). Saruman used to be an eyeliner-loving drag queen wannabe, but the allure of the ring transformed him into a humorless MAGA/Modor mannequin. As he hawks the Modor 2025 dogma, childless cat women everywhere worry about him grabbing them by the pussy.
Along with Saruman and the Nazgul are the MAGA Orcs. This Modor-loving crowd seek the ring of power to get approval from Sauron. Hyping their mega-white values, the Orcs focus on obtaining the ring for Sauron by eliminating anyone standing in their way, including their vice president. Evangelicalism is their Orc armor as they worship their one true god, Trump. They believe in the sanctity of guns, being anti-woke (aka being asleep), and engaging in insurrection. Supporting Sauron unconditionally, they even defend him when he vulgarly accuses rival women of giving blowjobs to get ahead. So much for Christian values.
Gollum (Mitch McConnell) is another player stalking the ring. Gollum is just another Sauron Stockholm survivor, secretly plotting the ring for himself. For years Sauron tortured him until he became an even creepier brown-nosing weirdo, so there's no love loss there. Gollum survived by feigning loyalty, pretending to agree with Sauron's plan to be dictator of the world. His ardor for the ring is the only thing that matters to him other than a good bowel movement. No matter is how decrepit he gets from his pursuit of the ring, his desiccated body survives like an Uruk-hai on meth.
Just when you think all is hopeless, Gandalf (Joe Biden) sends two hobbits (Kamala and Tim), along with a fellowship of stalwart allies, on a mission to destroy the ring. When the group became separated by Orc warriors, the two hobbits persisted into the depths of Modor ultimately destroying the ring in Mt. Doom. Their triumph against all odds caused the climate to clear of perpetual darkness bringing hope to middle earth.
What happened to the vanquished? The destruction of the ring led to Sauron being terminally poked in his I by the fellowship. His accomplice Saruman was banished to the twin towers, while the rest of Sauron's army died under the weight of Project 2025. The Witch King of Angmar was killed by a woman defending her right to have control over her body, frightening the other Ringwraiths into oblivion. Anyone left in the scourge that didn't die moved to Florida where they are still trying to resurrect the past.
