Lessons Learned from My Mother

My mother was a white Anglo-Saxon Presbyterian, when at 18 years old, she eloped with my 27 year old Polish Catholic father in defiance of his very orthodox parent’s protestations. My father, a boot camp draftee during World War II, was then shipped out to Italy and North Africa for four years without leave. My mother waited faithfully those four years for his joyous return. Because of the fallout from my father's parents extreme disapproval of their elopement, my father fled in fear to Council Bluffs, Iowa after his return, until guilt and remorse led him back to my mother a year later.  

▪Lessons learned: Don’t get married during the teenage years. Don’t marry anyone with crazy parents. Don’t marry anyone outside of your religious/ cultural background whose family has it in for you. Don’t marry a man who is significantly older than you who convinces you love can conquer all. Don’t let historical events instill romantic delusions into making marital decisions. Look before you leap or just don’t leap. Don't think waiting is the answer.

Once my father returned from WWII, my mother (a non-practicing Presbyterian) agreed to raise all the children Catholic but would not convert to Catholicism. This forever raised the ire of my Polish Catholic grandparents and my father’s family, who made her life miserable until the day she died. The Catholic Church also pressured her relentlessly to convert by telling her all of her children were illegitimate in the eyes of the Church. She shrewdly combated this stonewalling them, steadfastly refusing to acquiesce, and by having her parents and sister live upstairs from our family home. In the end my mother won: all six of her Catholic educated children are now ex-Catholics.

▪Lessons learned:  Defiance, passive resistance, and the 'language of no' is pretty effective. Know when you are outnumbered and outgunned-learn the art of subterfuge. You can lose the battle, the war, and your dreams but you can still have some semblance of control everything through the power of oppositional defiance and the support of familial estrogen. Always know there is more than one way to outsmart those secretive, disapproving, and patently stubborn Poles. Agree with the Catholic Church that hell will surely be your disposition, but it is better than joining them. Know you may not live to see divine justice, but it works even against the Catholic Church's oppressive doctrine.

My mother had six children. The first four were born within five years of my father’s return from war; the last two were born 10 and 13 years after the first set, when she was in her late thirties and early forties. She drank beer and smoked through each of these pregnancies.

▪Lessons learned: Use birth control. Don’t have children too close together. Having late in life children is a bad idea. Better yet, don’t have children. Smoking and drinking during pregnancy may not be good for a fetus but it does help reduce overall agitation when one has a hoard of children making excessive demands.

My mother had a lifelong anxiety disorder and was unable to drive because of this phobia. Aside from this, she was a smart, verbal, and a grounded woman. She sacrificed her youth and her dreams for being a mother, causing her great frustration and unhappiness. As a result, she became a rageaholic and had a nervous breakdown in her forties.

▪Lessons learned: There are no princes who will save you from yourself, in spite of how good they may look in shiny armor. Getting married and having children are a poor substitute for a fulfilling a deeper, more purposeful life. Squandering one’s intelligence being a mother leads to a dependence on Librium and a beer chaser. Nerves don’t break, but having limited options makes one feel trapped, anxious, and generally under a doctor’s care for tranquilizers. Learning to drive opens up avenues of independence. The work world, though having its own set of limitations, at least provides one with a room of one’s own and freedom to follow another path. Rage, even if justified, does not bring peace of mind.

As my mother aged, she retained her beauty but became increasingly bitter, alienating, and angry. She attempted to divorce my father but gave up when she realized she could not make it on her own. She died at the age of 58 from a cardiac arrest following a major stroke. 

▪Lessons learned: Inner happiness trumps physical beauty anytime. Being a product of your karmic times sucks. It is easier to get divorced earlier than later in life. Becoming angry, bitter, helpless, and hopeless will kill you just as effectively as an automatic weapon.

What other things did I get from my mother?

▪A strong sense of independence because she had none.

▪An adventurous spirit because she felt trapped most of her life.

▪No fear of confronting conflict, intimidation, or bullying because of the fears and frustrations she endured.

▪An interest in the acquisition of knowledge because she was deprived of this pathway for her intelligence.

▪A love for reading and my verbal proficiency because she could not fully utilize her strengths in these areas.

▪Never feeling men are superior to me solely because of their gender.

▪An indomitable disposition because she felt defeated most of her life.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. Thanks for everything you did and did not teach me.