Three Funerals and the Mourners

Within just the last forty-eight hours, I have learned of the deaths of three people who were intimate friends with some of my posse. All three people died suddenly, surprising themselves and those they left behind. My friends dealing with these unexpected losses are devastated. They are lost in their grieving, inconsolable with heartrendering sadness. The lightning speed at which the sorrowful news was delivered rattled them beyond comprehension.

Unexpected death has consequences unlike death that is expected. No death is easy to handle but when it is expected, one does have some time to psychologically prepare. The difference is akin to knowing when a storm is coming versus experiencing a 8.0 earthquake. Being jolted by a sudden, unexpected, tragic, or violent death shakes the psychological foundation of one's core. Everything you thought you knew changes the second you are informed of the death. Life instantly becomes surreal. Utter disbelief is followed by emotional paralysis. As the shock sets in, disorientation becomes prominent. Time feels frozen. In this fugue one cannot imagine how tomorrow could ever follow today.

But one cannot stand still long for death. There are decedent affairs to contend with, funerals and/or memorials to arrange, relatives and friends to contact, and everything about the death itself needs to processed. Numbly walking through the motions of these first few days, one knows life will never be the same. The death itself acts as kind of a zeitsollwert, a time setter, when everything will be judged before and after the catastrophic event. Think of how 911 changed the world and you get a sense of how these shocking losses carry the same gravity to the psyche.

I tried to comfort my friends but my efforts seemed futile. Even though I know what is like to experience sudden tragic death, my words fell flat. Because we do not live in the same town, I could not reach out to them, hold them, or just physically be there to support them. As a bystander, one feels impotent. I did the most beneficial thing I could do: I just sat and listened.

This is the beginning of the grieving process for them. As their friend, I know once shock gives way to emotion. There will be tears shed, profuse weeping, unbridled anguish, anger unleashed, fits of heartbreaking melancholy, helpless/hopeless verbalizations, and most certainly a shift in existential beliefs. Life and death will take on a new meaning. Every nuance of what happened or could of/ should of happened are reexamined obsessively. Sometimes secrets hidden are revealed as pieces of the deceased person's story spills forth from various sources. The harsh mirror of reality shines brightly leaving no place for the bereaved to hide. The painful longing is unrelenting.

I have read that the peak of grieving in an unexpected loss can range anywhere from nine to eighteen months compared to four months in an expected one. And if it is a tragic or violent death, the percentages of the survivors ever coming to grips with the horror of the loss is less than fifty percent even after five years have passed. It is incomprehensible to me in this 'get over it' culture, we have no mechanism to acknowledge or recognize the length of time grieving exacts on the bereaved. We want them to stop talking about it, get on with life, and basically be anywhere but where they are emotionally. As one who has gone through this process, I know the time, patience, and fortitude it takes to grieve. There is no stopwatch on grieving, however, we can always be a good listener, comforting presence, and kind support. The true wages of death is bereavement.

Today I dedicate this blog to my deceased friend, Terry, who died suddenly a year ago. He was a consummate actor, director, and friend. Rest in peace, my friend.

Working in the 21st Century

These are very difficult times for those of us who were raised in a engaging, empowering work culture. The 21st century workplace is fraught with dysfunction, obsessed with data, and frigid when it comes to the needs of any carbon-based life form. For anyone who shows any weakness toward having a conscience, it can only be a continual struggle between morality and ethics. Even if one is armored up with rational thinking, one's equilibrium is easily fractured by the opposing demands of working in a highly competitive marketplace versus maintaining a sense of integrity.

In a global economy, anything remotely resembling an emotional tone is lethal. Well, maybe not lethal, but certainly it is deadly career-wise. In dealing with modern management, issues affecting stress, workplace politics, and legitimate problems such as intimidation, emotions are seen as the worker's inability to cope. Even if you address these dilemmas with fact-based examples, the response usually comes back to your inadequacy to fit in to the workplace culture. Whether one works in business or government, first and foremost management is charged with making money and/or continuing the revenue flow. Ironically, although most of this revolves around humans, customer service and the welfare of workers will always be last on their list of considerations. This is an era of technology, data, and gold standards documented on electronic records. Actual empathy and dignity for human needs is only pertinent if it is billable, produces dividends, or can be used to boost the reputation of a well-placed officeholder.

I work for the government. Yes, I am one of the many bureaucrats Washington politicos tout as the enemy of the people. They see me as lazy, unproductive, wasteful, and siphoning off the taxes of their hard-working constituency. It does not matter that statistically I can prove I have saved the taxpayers far more than I earn in salary and benefits. Saving money does not generate revenue. Every day I bob and weave to the bureaucracy which places pressure on me to justify my salary, validate my worth, and adjust to the daily conflicting demands brought on by political correctness. And as a woman, I earn far less than my incompetent coworkers and managers who do illustrate what our representatives see as reckless spending. This does not deter me from delivering excellent service but it does demoralize me. Oh yes, I never whine because I should be happy I have a job.

But I am not just another complainer. I believe we need a reinvented workplace where a healthy workplace meeting the needs of both the employee and employer is attainable. Unfortunately, I am not talking about unions here. Though unions have historically done a phenomenal job at workers' rights, they have also created polarizing the workplace by defending incompetent, inept, and bad workers. What I am proposing is a movement which examines workplace issues and balances them with the need for profit and accountability. I am not a socialist nor am I a capitalist. As a person with a strong work ethic I believe in cutting the fat, producing high quality work, expecting workers to live up to the standards for which they are judged, and understanding the very human needs of the workplace. However, I also think employers have the responsibility to provide us with a safe workplace, incentivize us by rewarding our productivity, balance the need for profit by accommodating a sane work volume, and by adhering to moral and ethical conduct. Am I asking for too much here?

When I first started in government, I had experiences working with highly effective, solution oriented, and dynamic people. My workplaces were some of the happiest and most productive in my career. These workplaces had competent managers, inspiring vision, and dedication to serving the public. I don't know where we went wrong but I believe this can be changed. It is a mistake to think this movement will start at the top. As workers, it will only begin with us.