Within just the last forty-eight hours, I have learned of the deaths of three people who were intimate friends with some of my posse. All three people died suddenly, surprising themselves and those they left behind. My friends dealing with these unexpected losses are devastated. They are lost in their grieving, inconsolable with heartrendering sadness. The lightning speed at which the sorrowful news was delivered rattled them beyond comprehension.
Unexpected death has consequences unlike death that is expected. No death is easy to handle but when it is expected, one does have some time to psychologically prepare. The difference is akin to knowing when a storm is coming versus experiencing a 8.0 earthquake. Being jolted by a sudden, unexpected, tragic, or violent death shakes the psychological foundation of one's core. Everything you thought you knew changes the second you are informed of the death. Life instantly becomes surreal. Utter disbelief is followed by emotional paralysis. As the shock sets in, disorientation becomes prominent. Time feels frozen. In this fugue one cannot imagine how tomorrow could ever follow today.
But one cannot stand still long for death. There are decedent affairs to contend with, funerals and/or memorials to arrange, relatives and friends to contact, and everything about the death itself needs to processed. Numbly walking through the motions of these first few days, one knows life will never be the same. The death itself acts as kind of a zeitsollwert, a time setter, when everything will be judged before and after the catastrophic event. Think of how 911 changed the world and you get a sense of how these shocking losses carry the same gravity to the psyche.
I tried to comfort my friends but my efforts seemed futile. Even though I know what is like to experience sudden tragic death, my words fell flat. Because we do not live in the same town, I could not reach out to them, hold them, or just physically be there to support them. As a bystander, one feels impotent. I did the most beneficial thing I could do: I just sat and listened.
This is the beginning of the grieving process for them. As their friend, I know once shock gives way to emotion. There will be tears shed, profuse weeping, unbridled anguish, anger unleashed, fits of heartbreaking melancholy, helpless/hopeless verbalizations, and most certainly a shift in existential beliefs. Life and death will take on a new meaning. Every nuance of what happened or could of/ should of happened are reexamined obsessively. Sometimes secrets hidden are revealed as pieces of the deceased person's story spills forth from various sources. The harsh mirror of reality shines brightly leaving no place for the bereaved to hide. The painful longing is unrelenting.
I have read that the peak of grieving in an unexpected loss can range anywhere from nine to eighteen months compared to four months in an expected one. And if it is a tragic or violent death, the percentages of the survivors ever coming to grips with the horror of the loss is less than fifty percent even after five years have passed. It is incomprehensible to me in this 'get over it' culture, we have no mechanism to acknowledge or recognize the length of time grieving exacts on the bereaved. We want them to stop talking about it, get on with life, and basically be anywhere but where they are emotionally. As one who has gone through this process, I know the time, patience, and fortitude it takes to grieve. There is no stopwatch on grieving, however, we can always be a good listener, comforting presence, and kind support. The true wages of death is bereavement.
Today I dedicate this blog to my deceased friend, Terry, who died suddenly a year ago. He was a consummate actor, director, and friend. Rest in peace, my friend.
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