The Human Experience of Intimacy

"In my firsthand experience, there is nothing as exhilarating as being

"close" to another human. It is the sharing of your inner most self;

frightening to allow someone to truly know you. But it is as beneficial as

true introspection because much is revealed to you and to them. It is confirming

and comforting to be accepted for who you truly are. Most wonderful of all is

to be a trusted partner and have a trusted partner. Someone that believes in

what you are and is in your corner. Someone for you to love, to comfort, to

encourage. When I was married, I did not even contemplate any plans that did

not include her. She was an essential part of everything, an essential

part of me which is why it is so hideously painful when it comes apart. But

nothing ventured, nothing gained. You will never experience the best there is

without taking that chance. You will never be truly close to another without

laying yourself bare. No, I don't want superficial close. Forgive me here, but as 

in the act of physical intimacy which as a stand-alone is quite pleasurable, 

when it is with someone you are DEEPLY and MUTUALLY in love with, it is 

THOUSANDS of times better. I would hands down prefer to sit on the couch 

and watch a movie with a woman I truly love, than to have sex with the 

best-looking woman on the planet. Snap decision.”

Simple, yet pure and honest, this email stopped me in my tracks. Something

resonated in this passage which softened my stance, lowered my defenses, and

opened my mind. At first I could not believe a straight man wrote this to me.

Surprisingly, he touched on a number of things I had secretly hoped for, dreamed

of, or visualized but all have evaded me. Is it because I have almost no faith this

kind of intimacy is attainable in an intimate relationship or no faith two people can

sustain it? I want to believe an intimate meaningful love is possible but I also

wanted to believe in fairy tales, too.

The parts of this passage I found most unsettling: “never truly be close to another

without laying yourself bare.” Years of fortified seclusion have added layers of

protection which now calls for dismantling. Baring my naked self sounds not only

incredibly vulnerable but seems like a considerable tactical error. This is the risk we

all fear taking. In Buddhism they refer to this as removing your armor. Though my

humanity is drawn to intimacy, the rational side of me worries about making poor

judgments and being eviscerated emotionally. There is also another question I

have about intimacy versus enmeshment. What does healthy intimacy look like?

I can see my work is cut out for me.