Skeleton Woman

   Right now I am rereading Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ classic book, “Women Who Runs with the Wolves”. Originally it was published in 1992, quickly becoming a best seller. For years I have considered this a reference book, reading it in different developmental stages of my adult life. The stories Ms. Pinkola Estes chose for this book, as well as her interpretations, are absolutely brilliant. Even after twenty-two years, its sage wisdom is the source of never ending inspiration.

     My personal favorite chapter is, “When the Heart is a Lonely Hunter”. This chapter is about love, intimacy, and the foibles of overcoming roadblocks to the union we are all seeking. Ms. Estes tells the story of Skeleton Woman, an Inuit woman who defied her father and was thrown into the ocean where she became a skeleton at the bottom of the ocean. Though most fishermen avoided the haunted inlet where Skeleton Woman was in repose, one uninformed fisherman fished the bay and accidentally brought Skeleton Woman from her watery grave. What ensued was a snagged skeleton appearing to chase the poor fisherman across the inlet. After being chased by this bony nightmare, he dove into his hut with her caught in his fishing line. Eventually his fears of the Skeleton Woman dissipated and he untangled her. Calmed by his own empathy, he fell fast asleep. In his sleep he cried a tear that hydrated her. As he slept she took out his heart, drummed up a new fleshy body with it, and returned it to him repurposed. They awoke intertwined in the morning, lovers who overcame their personal injuries, fears, doubts, apprehensions, and reality.

     Her analysis of this tale is spellbinding. She dissects each nuance rendering heartfelt sage wisdom. One of my favorite quotes is when the fisherman looks upon Skeleton Woman with compassion instead of fear. Ms. Pinkola Estes’ interpretation is: “For the naïve and wounded, the miracle of the psyche’s ways is that even if you are halfhearted, irreverent, didn’t mean to, didn’t really hope to, don’t want to, feel unworthy to, aren’t ready for it, you will accidentally stumble upon treasure anyway. Then it your soul’s work to not overlook up has been brought up, to recognize treasure as treasure no matter how unusual  its form, and to consider carefully what to do next.”

     How often do we stumble upon treasure and throw it away? How many of us have felt the cruel sting of not being enough or being too much? How many of us even feel treasured? This is thought provoking stuff.

     My other favorite quote concerns the addiction to perfectionism in relationships. Even when we and our significant other are ‘perfect’, life is not. “If lovers insist on a life force gaiety, perpetual pleasuramas, and other forms of deadening intensity, if they insist on sexual ‘Donner and Blitz thunder and lightning, or a torrent of the delectable and no strife at all, there goes the Life/Death/Life nature right over the cliff, drowned in the seas again.” Further, “The desire to force love to live on in its most positive form only is what causes love ultimately to fall over dead, and for good.”

     This particular story is an amazing illustration of how much impatience we have with the process of forming a bond with another human. “Our own secret hunger to be loved is the not-beautiful. Our disuse and misuse of love is the not-beautiful. Our dereliction in loyalty and devotion is unlovely, our sense of soul-separateness is homely, our psychological warts, inadequacies, misunderstandings, and infantile fantasies are the not-beautiful.” For the fisherman to see past the bony scary Skeleton Woman and untangle her while feeling empathy is where the connection of love begins.

     “Three things differentiate living from the soul versus living from ego only. They are: the ability to sense and learn new ways, the tenacity to ride a rough road, and the patience to learn deep love over time.” Thank you, Ms.Pinkola Estes for telling the story of our lives.