It's Just Sex

    I have embarked on a brave new world. This world is ass backwards. Instead of getting to know someone intimately through the denouement of dating, I have chosen to be in a sexual relationship. This is the first time I have agreed to such a relationship. I am foregoing the traditional polite courtship period to dive right into wild sexual abandon. Why am I doing this? Because this man is a phenomenal lover and gives me a lot of pleasure. The chemistry between us is electric. Selfishly, this is easier than going through the machinations of dating which I tend to abhor because of my introversion. But I am no fool, I realize I am avoidant of the other aspects of intimacy that go hand in hand with the realities of relationships. You know, things like conflict, control, disappointment, talking about feelings, dealing with family and our support network, and all the peripheral stuff that gives intimate relationships meaning and definition. Just having sex merrily skips over the pesky details of the aspects that weigh a relationship down. 

     A few weeks ago I had eye surgery. I am a believer that anytime anyone has surgery, it wakes the both the body and mind to things that have been suppressed or repressed. The last time I had eye surgery, I literally starting seeing things I did not like. This time I am seeing how my fears, especially about my personal emotional vulnerability with men, shape my decision making about relationships. Entering into a sexual relationship, I am choosing to overlook things I don’t want to see, or more precisely approach. Those issues involve the unequal expenditure of time, energy, and cathexis. Now I see the appeal of why women become mistresses to married men. Unless they are emotionally connected to their married lover, it is easier to have your cake and eat it too as a means of preserving one’s own life. For women there is always a trade-off no matter if you are dating, a mistress, a wife, or a mother. Most men are truly myopic when it comes to seeing how much they dominate the lives of their women.

    Being in a just sex relationship is always a slippery slope for a woman. Most men can easily to separate sex from emotion conveniently, but it is trickier for a woman. As a thinking woman with a better ability to subdue feeling, I have the ability to rationalize this almost as well as men. However, historically women have always been punished and condemned if they exhibit their sexuality. We have been viewed as easy, loose, promiscuous, whores, and the whole host of other derogatory names. This also includes my fellow sisters who feel superior by disparaging caterwauling. Culturally, there is a schizophrenic message delivered via the media reinforcing women to be sexually alluring but to draw the line at being a skanky ho. I am not immune to this schism. We still see women terms of the stereotypical virgin and the whore. There is a distinct difference between being treated as an object of desire versus if an emotional component existed. Sexualized women almost always get a bad rap, despite men wishing we could be more like them.

    Suppressing my emotions in favor of sex has more to do with my unwillingness to acquiesce my vulnerability to my noncommittal lover. The choice to engage in just sex does have its pitfalls. I have accepted my selfish pleasure has its consequences. There are also a myriad of nonverbal and verbal agreements I have agreed to which ensures I do not tread into areas that push my intimacy buttons. While it does protect me from the angst of converting thinking into feeling, it does little to assuage my growing conflicts about not being able to fully be and express who I am. It is ironic that engaging in the most intimate physical act humans do is limiting me from being the woman I truly am.

    It is tempting to point the proverbial finger at the man I have struck this bargain with as a villain. But this man is not playing me or treating me disrespectfully. Quite the contrary, in a number of ways I have a more honest sexual relationship with him than I did with my husbands. Men can be unfairly cast as predatory when there is a consensual sexual agreement. As a feminist, this is also a slippery slope because of the balance of power issues. The few friends I have told about this sexual tryst are appalled by what they view as his selfishness. See what I mean about the blame/shame game? Of course, they are even more outraged I would be his willing to sacrifice of finding ‘true love’ for pleasure. They have also pointedly told me they are disappointed in me, think I have lost my mind, am shortchanging myself because I feel I am not deserving, etc. The reality is that I am choosing to be fulfilled sexually but not emotionally. I am walking into this eyes open while embracing full responsibility for my own behavior and its consequences.This may not be emotionally smart, but I am not ready to expose the tender side of my heart yet.

     Sooner or later, both of us will move on. Either we will tire of the sexual pleasuramas, hit a dead end, find other partners, or want more emotional intimacy with an appropriate partner. Until then, it’s just sex.