For the past four years I have unsuccessfully attempted the online dating game. As an introvert, online dating is a clever ruse to think I can actually meet Prince Okay. So far I have ended up running in place like a long distance marathoner. The running has been okay but the scenery is not so hot.
Socializing for an introvert is like being placed in solitary confinement for an extrovert. We are not necessarily shy or have social anxiety but are more comfortable with less: less people, less stimulation, less drama, and less need to compulsively do something to avoid being alone. We make up 25% of the population but are frequently viewed as odd, weird, or just plain unusual because of our internalized preferences. Being a female introvert makes me in the 1% club with my Myers-Briggs profile which means the chances of me actually finding a compatible date are statistically akin to being hit by lightning. However, I persevere.
What have I learned from online dating? As an introvert and single professional woman without children, I am viewed differently. I get the feeling most men prefer moms because they do not know how to deal with a woman without the mommy persona. Men have told me I am intimidating, not because I am an assertiveness monster or hell on heels, but because I don't have the hook of having raised children. Women without children are seen more as competitors to men. We are viewed as more their equal, are just as independent, and challenge them when they are used to women going along with their authority. I can't tell you how many times men have offered me advice (which they would not do to another man), think they are in an intellectually or in general superior to me, or think I will automatically accept their version of events as facts. Yes, it is hard to date a smart, introverted woman who views herself as equally competent.
In the four years I have dated, I have had about 50 dates. Rarely, have I had a date go past 4 dates. My dating history has included quite a diverse group of men ranging from doctors, attorneys, and scientists, to teachers, set designers, bus drivers, and maintenance men. This is the most I've ever dated in my life. Dating when one is older is quite different-it's not as hormonally driven, there is more pathos, and of course, more habituation. But the biggest thing I have noticed about the diverse group of men I have dated is their inability to commit. And I am not talking marriage here. Committing to meeting for a date, committing to discussing simple plans, committing to talking about one's past, and committing to a future date are all symptomatic of the online dating culture. There is a commitment phobia I was not prepared to encounter when I started dating again.
How does sex affect all of this? As you can imagine, introverts by their nature as slow to warm up to people and take more time to open up. Even though I am sexually liberal, trust is a bigger deal to an introvert. Working in Public Health has also made me aware of how many STDs are out there and how many of them are becoming untreatable. In this age of virtual friends, Facebook social lives, and instant communication, no one wants to take things slowly. This has made the desire for sex more immediate and less meaningful. Men still want sex and are now more likely to get it without the baggage of courtship or having to do much of anything. My gay friends tell me men need to have sex about four or five times before they are willing to commit to feeling a connection. I wonder if heterosexual men are the same.
Thankfully, I am intuitive and psychologically sharp enough to ferret out the catfishes, con artists, and predators before I agree to date. There are a number of them out there and some are quite sophisticated.
I wonder how many women are taken in by there scams or are victims of their deceitful behavior.
The loneliness of this long distance dater is reaching the end. It was a good experiment but has produced little to show for it except I've met a number of interesting men and have had intermittently good sex. But sex for sex's sake gets boring, like watching a porno film over and over. It is the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual bond that makes the sex more intense and pleasurable. Too bad that has gone out of fashion.
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