FIVE THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK BY ELON MUSK

  Dear OPM,

In case you're interested, here are the five things I've accomplished this week:

1. Snorted enough ketamine to make Matthew Perry turn over in his grave. However, my sunglasses do a good job concealing my dilated pupils. 

2. Posed for pictures with a South American dictator and a chainsaw to show how tough and high I am. 

3. Sent out thousands of confusing emails to federal employees that were contradicted by several Trump cabinet members and agency heads. (Maybe I shouldn't have snorted that much ketamine.)

4. Took my four-year-old son (aka his current pet optic) to the White House where he smeared boogers on the president's desk, causing it to be refinished at taxpayer's expense.

5. Reminded Germany that they need to get over their Nazi guilt and vote for the 4th Reich.

Your favorite federal non-employee, elected by no one,

Elon

MY PREDICTIONS FOR THE TRUMP ERA

 ANY WHO HAS STUDIED NAZISM REALIZES WE ARE ALREADY IMMERSED IN ITS IDEOLOGY WITH MAGA. THE TAKEOVER OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WITH ELONIA HAS RAMIFICATIONS THAT WILL BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO REVERSE. NO ONE BELIEVED ME WHEN I PREDICTED THIS DURING THE TRUMP ERA BUT NOW PEOPLE ARE COWERING BECAUSE WE ARE ALL HOSTAGES TO TRUMPS COUP.

HERE IS WHAT I PREDICT WILL HAPPEN NEXT:

-TRUMP WILL CONTINUE TO ALLOW MUSK UNABATED ACCESS TO ALL OF OUR DATA SO HE CAN CONTROL THE MASSES BY CUTTING OFF, DELETING, OR CORRUPTING OUR FINANCIAL AND HEALTHCARE INFORMATION.

-WITH CASH PATEL'S CONFIRMATION, TRUMP HAS TOTAL CONTROL OVER THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT. EXPECT MUSK, PAM BONDI, AND CASH PATEL TO ISSUE EDICTS THAT ANYONE CRITICIZING TRUMP WILL BE IMPRISONED OR LEGALLY HOUNDED INTO FINANCIAL RUIN OR DEATH.

DON'T EXPECT THE COURTS, PROTESTS, OR THE SUPREME COURT TO ENFORCE LEGAL RULINGS. WHO WOULD DO THAT ANYWAY? BONDI? PATEL? HEGSETH? NOEM?

TRUMP HAS CONTROL OF ALL THE VOTING DATA AND WILL USE THIS TO SKEW ELECTIONS. THE DEMOCRATS AND OTHER POLITICAL ORGANIZATIONS WILL BE UNABLE TO CIRCUMVENT HIM.

NO MORE FREE PRESS. TRUMP AND MAGA WILL LAUNCH FINANCIALLY EVISCERATING LAWSUITS TO CRIPPLE THE NY TIMES, WASHINGTON POST, CBS NEWS, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, AND MSNBC. 

EXPECT TRUMP AND MUSK TO GET RICHER RAPING THE REMAINING FEDERAL CONTRACTS. TO GET ONE, YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY TO PLAY. HE'S ALREADY STATED THAT ANY POLITICIAN ACCEPTING FOREIGN BRIBES WILL NOT BE PROSECUTED.

LIKE HITLER DID WITH THE NAZIS, TRUMP WILL DEMAND WE ALL SWEAR ALLIGIANCE TO HIM AND MAGA. HE'S ALREADY DONE THIS WITH THE FBI AND THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT. IF WE DON'T, WE WILL BE CUT OFF, DOXXED, INTIMIDATED, OR THREATENED.

RFK jr. WILL MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR NEW VACCINES (LIKE H5N1) TO BE RESEARCHED AND MADE AVAILABLE.  HE WILL GUT MEDICAID AND AX ALL HIV PREVETION. MORE OUTBREAKS OF INFECTIOUS DISEASE WILL SPIRAL OUT OF CONTROL. HIS SEXUAL ANTICS WILL RUN RAMPANT AT THE CDC.

2025 TRYRANY CLUE BOARD GAME: WHO KILLED PROFESSOR ORANGE?

 

 

In the 2025 version of Clue, notorious real estate mogul, Professor Orange, is found murdered in Casa de Blanca. Being a political grifter, conman, and philanderer made him in the crosshairs of plenty of enemies. Who did it? The following suspects were present at Casa de Blanca at the time of his homicide:

1.) Mrs. White is a naturalized citizen from Canada and his domestic worker. When not cleaning candlesticks, she envisions sticking one up Professor Orange for wanting to annex her native country. Usually, she can be found in the dining room fantasizing about a revenge candlelight dinner with him.

2.) Mrs. Peacock (nee Pavo Real) is a rich elderly Panamanian rope manufacturer doing business with Professor Orange. His devious plan to take over the Panama Canal while imposing steep tariffs runs contrary to her plan for worldwide rope domination. She can be found in the living room knot tying and garrote sculpting. No one strangles her ambition.

3.) Professor Plum (aka Ciruela-Morado) is known as a high-priced golf club designer. Unbeknownst to Professor Orange, this guest is also a secret explosive expert for the Mexican cartel. His specialty is creating pipe bombs to look like golf clubs. Professor Plum frequents the library to research explosive designs. When Professor Orange called ICE on him, he absconded with Plum's prize golf clubs. Little does Professor Orange know those clubs will be his last incendiary slice. 

4.) Colonel Mustard, another guest, is a devious military man and powerful diplomat. As an undercover Hamas agent, Mustard is enraged with Professor Orange's plans for redeveloping his destroyed homeland. Look for him in the courtyard skeet shooting or cleaning his gun. Professor Orange is in his sights.

5.) Miss Scarlett, a perennial groupie at Casa de Blanca, is a knife throwing femme fatale acrobat from Macau. Her exotic wiles easily seduced Professor Orange into believing she was his loyal autocrat love slave. This disguise shielded her real occupation as a Chinese operative. Tik Tok's ban and the steep US tariffs has pushed her over the edge. When not in the kitchen sharpening her knives, she can be found in the bedroom seductively waiting for Professor Orange. Her love is sharp and to the point.

6.) Mr. Green, an Iranian H1-C visa recipient, is the plumbing master for Casa de Blana. Fed up with pulling classified documents out of Orange's gold toilet, Mr. Green is seeking a permanent solution to dealing with clogged toilets. It was when Professor Orange's drone strike executed his esteemed countryman, General Soleimani, Mr. Green finally cemented his wrenching desire for vengeance. Frequently seen in the bathroom fixing the golden toilet, Green is wrench-ready to stop Professor Orange's leaky ideology. 

HA, HA, JD VANCE IS NO TRUMP

 If JD Vance was hoping Donald Trump would anoint him as his successor, he probably wasn’t thrilled by the president’s comments during his Fox News interview on Sunday.

After Brett Baier asked Trump if he saw Vance as his heir, the president quickly said, “No,” though he conceded his second vice president was “very capable.” -Huff Post

THE PRESIDENT ENVISIONS THE RESULTS OF ELIMINATING DEI

 

TIME MAGAZINE RECOGNIZED OUR TRUE UNELECTED PRESIDENT

 

The only thing they missed was Elon snorting ketamine.

JD Vance vs the Conference of Catholic Bishops and the POPE

 The new vice president, a Catholic convert, accused the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops of resettling “illegal immigrants” in order to get federal funding. New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan, who gave the invocation shortly before Vance took his oath of office, denounced the remarks as “scurrilous” and “nasty.”-MSN

To make Catholic matters worse for Mr. Vance, the Pope weighed in: 'While not specifically mentioning Vance by name, the Pope refuted the Vice President's interpretation of ordo armoris, reports New Republic. The Pope wrote: “Christians know very well that it is only by affirming the infinite dignity of all that our own identity as persons and as communities reaches its maturity.' -MSN

Their other reply: