Dear OPM,
In case you're interested, here are the five things I've accomplished this week:
1. Snorted enough ketamine to make Matthew Perry turn over in his grave. However, my sunglasses do a good job concealing my dilated pupils.
2. Posed for pictures with a South American dictator and a chainsaw to show how tough and high I am.
3. Sent out thousands of confusing emails to federal employees that were contradicted by several Trump cabinet members and agency heads. (Maybe I shouldn't have snorted that much ketamine.)
4. Took my four-year-old son (aka his current pet optic) to the White House where he smeared boogers on the president's desk, causing it to be refinished at taxpayer's expense.
5. Reminded Germany that they need to get over their Nazi guilt and vote for the 4th Reich.
Your favorite federal non-employee, elected by no one,
Elon
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