Whether it was the winter of my discontent or a crazy whim to warm up to something other than the cold, I decided to post an ad in Craigslist hoping to attract male friendship. In my idealism I sincerely hoped, like Abraham vacationing in Sodom and Gomorrah, I might find at least one straight man worthy of my desire for compatible platonic companionship. As this was the very first personal 'Strictly Platonic' ad I had ever placed, I was uncertain of what the response would be. Here is what I posted:
"Proud Minnesotan (and long-time San Diego resident) desires stimulating conversation, incisive wit, and true friendship. Looking for a like-minded baby boomer man who is spiritual, humorous & likes engaging in vibrant intellectual discourse (without taking oneself too seriously). A positive outlook is a must. By positive outlook I mean witty, pleasant, creative, drama-free and open to friendship with a women of diverse interests. By friendship I mean mutual affection arising from esteem and good will. Though liberal in philosophy, I am flexible as long as you're not a Tea Party serial killer, a current or ex-AIG executive, or cannot intelligently distinguish a moderate liberal from a Communist, Socialist, or Marxist. Those dancing with excessive-compulsive disorder, wanting sexual anesthesia, and/or are grappling with post-traumatic divorce syndrome might find someone more suitable outside the 'Strictly Platonic' section. Email me and tell me why you would make a good friend."
The Tea Party devotees were the first to respond. Peeved by my liberal humor, they exercised their first amendment rights by rebuking me in Palinesque fashion. This lent confirmation to my suspicion that a number of them suffer from osteoporosis of the funny bone. Fortunately, I set up a Craigslist email address so they could not trace me and exercise their second amendment rights.
Following the charming vitriolic ramblings from my Tea Party fans, came the respondents bereft of marital affection. Somehow from my posting they deduced that my desire for platonic friendship was a conjugal opportunity to be rescued from wedded anhedonia. From their narratives, I garnered an epidemic of wifely antipathy was rampant in the region. The irony of duplicitous behavior contradicting the tenets of friendship seemed to escape them.
Finally came the replies from men describing their excellent libido and turbo-charged sex drive. Obviously 'friendship' meant consequating their rapacious urges-and immediately was not soon enough. A couple of them were able to hang in there for a few amicable emails before tiring of friendly banter. One friend wannabe lost interest when I failed to respond to his request for a massage and home cooked meal.
Not surprising, none of these requests for friendship ever culminated in an actual face-to-face encounter. My request for 'mutual affection arising from esteem and good will' was met with rejoinders that made me question whether men could even read. All of this left me rethinking that a current or ex-AIG executive may not be so bad and "strictly platonic" really means sex.
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