The other day I was speaking with my occasional PhD lover who, in his own inimitable way, was sincerely trying to advise my on 'how to get a boyfriend'. In his evaluation of my dating skills, he felt I may not be adequately communicating my passion to men about sex. What makes his hubris more compelling is that he is five years my junior and I have much more sexual experience than he. Obviously, he thought he knew better. His amusing suggestion: when I am ready to let my suitor know that I am ready to commence sexual activity, I fondle his penis. "Polite men wait for you to give him a little stroking in order to get the go ahead signal...really." What? Yes, my PhD informed me that this is now the acceptable method of signaling sexual intent.
When he first emailed his advice to me, I thought he joking and laughed heartily at the thought of me grabbing some guys privates to encourage copulation. I told my PhD I thought I knew more subtle and less overt ways of beginning the romance. Besides, that form of 'signaling' is prone to misinterpretation. Nowadays women can be prosecuted for these kinds of boundary violation misdemeanors, though the likelihood of a successful verdict is slim. What I was more concerned about was possibly being viewed as a desperate, poorly controlled vamp who wants it and wants it NOW. My guess is the male fantasy of this hits the emasculating reality of a dominating female pressuring the uncertain man causing his peter to go kaput. Is it just me or am I off base thinking men feel more secure when they initiate sex? It's not that I think women should passively wait, but I see it as a mutual dance.
Not feeling sure of my assessment, I put it to the test at Thanksgiving dinner with my Minnesota friends. Their reaction was the same as mine: they thought my PhD love was joking. When I revealed he was not, they thought it was the most ridiculous thing they'd ever heard. Minnesotans may not be the best barometer of courting behavior but they are savvy to the nature of fostering intimacy. Needless to say, it was a hands down 'no' from the Midwest group.
This invites questions about men's sexuality and the changing strata of courtship in the 21st century. I see men as more fragile sexually and have witnessed how instilling confidence affects performance. It has always been my experience it is best to let the man take the lead in the sexual arena. This probably will elicit groans and outrage from my more feminist of colleagues but I always felt men I have been sexual with gain confidence from initiating. Plus, it is a turn on to me to have men want to chase me. Conversely, when I have taken more of the initiative, the sex has usually fallen flat. Then there are the other issues of being viewed as easy, a slut, a whore, and promiscuous. In some ways, I want to believe there is a biological basis for this-that it's not just falling back into the same old comforting roles.
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