Monday, April 30, 2018

The Case of the Missing White House Tree


In a united gesture of goodwill, Trump and President Macron planted a tree on the White House grounds. Now it has mysteriously gone missing. What happened to this icon of hope?

Here are the current conspiracy theories as to what happened to it:

-Scott Pruitt was worried planting a tree might somehow lead to a discussion on climate change and had it redacted.

-Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke sold it to one of his lumber lobbyists.

-The lone French tree knew Trump's immigration policy would have it deported eventually. Knowing it had a better chance at surviving where it came from, it booked the first plane back to Paris.

-Melania had it dug up, flocked, and stored for her next Halloween-like Christmas extravaganza.

-Michael Cohen is secretly representing the tree which means the New York Attorney General's office has secured it as evidence.

-The chilly environmental policies of the Trump administration froze it to death.

-Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims there never was any tree. It was all just fake news.

-Jeff Sessions has recused himself from the investigation so we may never know what really happened to it.

-Eric Trump cut it up and mounted for a trophy. After all, it was on the endangered species list.

-White supremacists cut it down protesting the opening of the Peace and Justice Museum.

-Trump and Macron's bromance upset Pence so much he feared the tree was gay and had it put in a closet.

-Trump suspected the tree was actually a Comey plant and had it fired.

-The tree was not big enough to provide enough wood to burn Stormy, along with Trump's other embarrassing sexual liaisons, at the stake. Can you say kindling?

-After Macron's surprising diss of Trump's policies in front of Congress, Trump had the tree sent to Guantanamo.

-Michelle Wood's brutal take down of Trump at the White House Correspondents' Dinner soured him on all things wood. Guilt by association led to its mysterious disappearance.



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