Faithless Faith

Faith

noun

1.

confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.

2.

belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

3.

belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion.

4.

belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.

5.

a system of religious belief.

Throughout my life I have struggled with the concept of faith. First with the Catholic Church, then with myself, and then with life in general. The irony in all of this is I have almost unshakable faith in my intuition. But when push comes to shove, my intuition gets shaky abandoning me for raw emotional vulnerability. In my angst when I cry out to be released, I feel forsaken. It is during these times I am cognizant of how little faith I have. Sister Solanus, my grade school arch enemy, would say my lack of faith was a punishment for my pride.

Faith is always connected to trust, another issue for me. How can I have faith and trust based on 'no proof' that I can overcome loss, emotionally handle the changes in my life, and move forward? Experience has told me I have been at this juncture before and will be able to rise above it. However, my mind gives me little comfort or reassurance. Stranded in a faithless landscape, I numbly proceed looking for signs the universe is trustworthy again.  

In Buddhism, they say all suffering is inherent and driven by grasping and attachment.The more one struggles, the more one stays stuck. Letting go is the antithesis of what I want to do. I want to hold onto anyone or anything which brings me a sense of communion to fill the abysmal chasm enveloping my soul. Now I know why our society is consumed by porn,sex, drugs, alcohol, consumerism, gambling, etc. We are all running to fill up our faithlessly motivated inconsolable feelings with dopamine-produced hedonistic highs. 

I have always admired those that have an abiding faith in God, a higher power, their spiritual beliefs, or their innate ability to overcome times of crisis in their lives. They are a source of inspiration to me. Through them I am reminded reality is not a nightmare, the wheel of life turns sometimes for the better, and there is a power greater than me that can restore my faith and trust in my universe.

Every morning I say prayers, meditate, and do spiritual readings. These are my anecdotes to grasping, attachment, and faithless faith. Does this restore my trust? Usually my practice calms the doubtful mind, decreases my emotional flares, and brings forth a more humane me. Do it always work? No, but I have found faith requires 'a confidence or trust' that is 'not based on proof'.