Dear Mr. President,
This morning I read the above title in a "Politico" article indicating you are having problems with leaks. From what I could gather, it seems you are so concerned about this, that you directed your staff consult with FBI Director, James Comey, on options to reduce your effluence. Though Mr. Comey is a well known leaker (Hillary can testify to this), he is probably not the best person with whom to share such personally embarrassing information. Everyone knows Mr. Comey is kind of a gossip whose pretentious ways are prone to revealing sensitive information at the wrong time. FYI: as President, any casual conversation with the FBI can be construed not as 'bro' talk but as a breach of protocol. There is a better way of handling this discretely without the news media and SNL ridiculing your manliness when it comes to your lack of control.
Face facts: whenever most older politicians reach a certain time in their life, leaks are inevitable. Just ask Putin. He trusted the wrong confidantes with his leak issues and now they're dead. (Evidently the golden showers jokes put him over the edge.) You do not have to resort to these extreme measures, even though you have a fondness for making bad hombres pay. My suggestion is you discuss your seepage problems with Dr. Tom Price, your inside trading, orthopedic surgeon who now heads HHSA. Rest assured, it is not unusual for most men in your position to have difficulty confiding in their physician colleague about their strong, sudden need, or urgency, to find the leak before losing a large amount of control. As a politician and physician, Dr.Tom is no stranger to this. Miraculously, he overcame lots of bad press about his secret flow (and might even offer you some great advice on purchasing hot medical stocks to boot). Surely he'll maintain confidentiality, recommend options, and suggest placing you on medication, lessening the fear of further noticeable drips. These leaks may not entirely go away but the meds he prescribes may alleviate those headaches caused by the irritating fake news press disclosing them.
Best wishes,
Atira Aura
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