How cozy a cocoon
of a self-imposed seclusion is. One can be the king or queen of an isolation
palace providing total control and safety. There are no disappointments, no
threats, and best of all, there is no fear. Life goes by steadily watching from
ramparts others besieged by the emotional turmoil of their intimate relations.
Observing this from afar, one can become arrogantly deluded with such
rationales as, ‘it will never happen to me, I am smarter than that, or I am
content not to have such upheaval disrupt my life.’ Sure, it can be lonely at
times but the security from emotional incursion can be its own protective
reinforcement.
After ten years of existing in my comfortable
monarchy of my sequestration, I met a man that I really like and scarier, he
likes me. Though we are from very different worlds, we somehow connected on
some quirky unexplainable level. It is as if divine intervention decided it no
longer cared about my entrenched beliefs, it was going to put me into the
forefront in the battle with my intimacy issues. And, in a delicious twist of
irony, the universe also sent me a man with self-professed intimacy issues. I could
have attracted a man without these problems but that would have been too easy.
No, I have created an inescapable mirror forcing me to look at what my own
defensive barriers are to unblocking my fourth chakra.
The laundry list of my intimacy issues is probably
no different than anyone else. However, now that I have to deal with them, they
are a fist punch to my emotional core. They involve issues of trust, faith,
surrender, powerlessness, vulnerability, receptivity, sexuality, and risk. I
now have to feel things I haven’t had to feel in a decade. The battle armor has
to dissolve, there is nowhere to hide, and I am scared. In order to move
forward, I have to confront and release the past wounds which led to my
reclusion. I am now being asked to suspend all of my reasons, considerations,
and judgments to open myself up when my whole being is screaming at me to run
or withdraw.
Who is the man who is provoking such emotional
dissonance? He is a man who, through my initial obtunded perceptions, was impenetrable.
When I thought we had reached our final impasse, he courageously took some
risks with me which left me astonished. Behind the shield of his defenses he
became accessible, revealing a sensitive, tender, sweet, and warm man. His
persistence and willingness deactivated my perimeter of vigilance. This created
a safe environment for both of us to begin to become intimate.
The unintended effect of being intimate again has
produced shaktipat within me. Shaktipat is a Hindu ritual where a master confers
spiritual or psychic energy upon an initiate to release kundalini energy. It
feels like electroshock therapy to the heart and soul. The result has reduced
my honed eloquent speech to babbling at times, has disengaged the GPS of my
emotional sentience, and has routed me into the territory of the unknown.
Everything I thought was certain is now uncertain. I would like to retreat back
to my castle of solitude but that is no longer an option.
My mirror image has the same intimacy issues, though
he does a better job of compartmentalizing than I do and has admitted that. He
can drown his feelings with intellectualizing and work. Being two sides of the
same coin, I know all of his tricks. I can sense his fear, feel his withdrawal,
and observe his questioning the validity of pursuing what he thinks is a
mismatched relationship. What he does not understand is that I am doing the
exact same thing. I am vulnerable because I cannot control any of this-I can
only wait to see how it unfolds.
One does not work through intimacy issues without
risking being intimate. You can talk about it all day, and like fear issues; it
will not subside until one comes face to face in vivo with the scary reality.
It takes bravery, honesty, patience, and a willingness to encounter all those
obstacles to your intimacy barriers. It means uncovering all the dirty laundry
to find the beautiful garment that was once unblemished by cynicism,
woundedness, pain, and fear. Most of all it takes time. In this age of
immediate gratification, one has to allow the ebb and flow of this process
without the pressure of instant results. Why? Because this risk involves great
rewards. Isn’t that what we all are truly seeking?
My favorite quote to describe this process comes
from, of all people, Donald Rumsfeld. His quote is: “There are known knowns.
These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to
say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown
unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.”
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