Okay, so far it has not gone well for me in the
romance department. This morning I consulted with some male friends about
courtship over breakfast and I walked away stymied. But it was not their
fault-one of them was gay and the other one has been married over 20 years. Thinking
about what went wrong for me in my first foray into intimacy, I decided it was
time to create a list of things that impressed me about men in this bizarre age
of techno-dating.
1. Good authentic verbal and written skills.
Nothing makes me swoon more than an expressive scribe and a man of eloquent
speech. The key to pulling this together is authenticity-the ability to harness
the power of the 5th chakra (throat/communication) with the genuine channeling
of the 4th chakra (heart/emotions). In layman’s terms, it’s good
communication from the heart. It takes a confident and brave man to surrender
to feeling. Where both men and women miss the boat on this is when the
communication is not consistent with the behavior. The mismatch between the 5th
and the 4th chakra interchanges produces confusion, frustration, and
insecurity. When it does come together, watch the fireworks explode.
2. Good behavioral and body language. Be here now.
No cell phones, no computers, no distractions, no clocks, and no thought of
future responsibilities. Allow your body to relax, look into those windows of
the soul, and risk touching. One of my suitors, knowing I was not interested in
pursuing an intimate relationship with him, asked me for one last dance for our last encounter in the middle of my living room. It was one the most touching and romantic
dances I have ever experienced. Don’t underestimate small gestures as
incredibly affecting: hand holding, a sweet kiss on the cheek, a tender hug,
etc. Emotional availability and vulnerability creates space for disarmament and
intimacy. Nothing turns a woman off more than a man who acts like Data from
Star Trek (though Data was at least grammatically correct and displayed
acceptable manners).
3. Proper manners and social etiquette. This is an
endangered art. It is more than please and thank you. Proper manners involve
seating a woman first, opening doors, showing respect and common courtesy. A
previous lover I lived with for 5 years always said ‘thank you’ to me every
single time we made love. Now that’s what I call respect. Another of my suitors
wrote me a note have the first time we made love about how much he appreciated
the chance to be so open. It melted my heart. There is also an intuitive side
to this, that is, knowing when and how to adapt to varying social situations
appropriately. It’s not telling that off color joke at an important function or
showing up late for anything. Hand in hand with this is knowing when to keep
your mouth shut.
4. Demonstrations of affection (aka romance). This
is no brainer but is frequently missed. Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Holidays
and just whenever occasions are opportune times to express how much the person
of your affection means to you. I ended a relationship with a man, for among
other reasons, he failed to recognize the importance my 50th
birthday. Whenever a suitor comes to visit me at my home, I require he bring me
some small token of his affection. In this electronic age, I appreciate the
sweet texts and email. Flowers, chocolates, jewelry, and music can also enhance
the romance. There is also a fine line to this-one must have clear
communications to know what is appropriate and what is excessive, smothering,
or inappropriate. On a first date with what I though was a nice intuitive
feeling sort of man, he told me I was sexually repressed and
suggested we read a book about ‘Tantric Sex’ to open my blocked 2nd
chakra. It didn’t take me long to inform him I was not his pet sexual project.
5. Pheromonal magic. I have already told the story of
my wonderful tenorio gay coworker whose aroma drives me wild. Every time I see
him I am compelled to grab and smell him. Biochemistry is a powerful
aphrodisiac. My last lover’s scent was so overwhelming to my olfactory senses,
that I became orgasmic just smelling him as foreplay. Even now I can remember
how intoxicated I became with his scent and the taste of his kiss. It makes me
weak in the knees just thinking about it. I’ll take biochemistry over good
technical sexual ability any day.
6. Sex and intimacy. We have very bad role models in this age of internet dating, immediate gratification, and ubiquitous porn. Everyone is in a hurry to get off. Technical prowess and proficiency are elevated over the dance of intimacy. Sorry, but this is just plain wrong. If technical proficiency is paramount, then all we would need is vibrators and blow-up dolls. The skill in being a good lover is communication, emotional trust, respect, receptivity, spontaneity, willingness, courage, and on and on. The dance always begins at the 6th chakra with thinking and the visual cortex. If the mind is not engaged first, the rest is an obstacle course.
7. Fun and humor. Humor disarms the defenses,
increases the endorphins, and throws stress right out the window. My preference
would be to have a witty man over a Hollywood hunk (though I might reconsider this
for Channing Tatum). Some of the most attractive men I have ever met were not handsome
but magnetic because of their spirit of fun and gift for comedy. Playfulness
and creating fun is mandatory in a world governed by logical computers. “A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to
your steps as you walk the tightrope of life -William Arthur Ward
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